My Own Double Rainbow

Lately I’ve been fluctuating between happiness that my mammogram came back all clear and the sadness and fear that the cancer will come back. Today has been a little harder for me.

It all started when baby girl and I started watching the movie “UP.” Within the first 5 minutes of the movie, I always cry (those of you who’ve seen it know what I’m talking about) and then towards the end, I cry again. There is this scene where Carl (the old man) looks through his and his late wife’s scrapbook reliving their life together. At the very last page, his wife wrote to him: “Thank you for the adventure, now go and have a new one.” She’s telling him to move on with his life after she’s gone.

I had not watched this movie in some years; and I’d forgotten about that scene. It made me so sad to think that one day I may have to tell baby girl and hubby to move on if I’m gone. How I may not see her grow, graduate from college, start her own family or celebrate any milestones in her life. When hubby came home, he noticed I was melancholy, but allowed me to be with my thoughts. After dinner, he and baby girl went to bed early and I was again stuck in my head about dying. To make it worse, there was an article in the paper about a local newscaster who battled breast cancer for 16 years and then passing away at age 56. That means she had started her battle against cancer right at 40 and I’m in my 30’s. Is that what I have to look forward to?

I’m finding it hard to be joyous tonight, even though I know it’s better for my health and my mind to stay positive. To be happy that I beat the disease. I’ve recently met several people with stories of survival and some who are just starting the battle. One woman I was chatting with is BRCA+ (meaning she has the genetic form) which has a lower survival rate than the type I have. She is a 6 year survivor and is going strong. I told her I couldn’t wait to hit my 6 year anniversary. She told me to stay strong. Sometimes, like tonight, I can’t be strong. I feel scared, and weak, and alone. I find it hard to take life day by day and there are times when even minute by minute is a struggle. I worry that it will affect my ability to be a good mother to baby girl. The fear and worry are gnawing at me.

This past weekend hubby and I had a short but meaningful conversation about children. I decided to not go through with seeing an onco-fertility specialist. Hubby had started to set aside money for in-vitro and egg harvesting, but I told him I had come to peace about not having another biological child. He hugged me and told me that he’d rather have me, his wife, than another child and that he was perfectly happy adopting. I think we may start the process, even though we’re not really ready for another child just yet. My heart has still not given up hope that one day I will be pregnant with a child again, but I am also glad that I finally got over the hurdle of being emotionally tied up over it.

This week, tomorrow, the next day, soon, really…I hope to be back to my normal self. The one who is still ecstatic over a one year cancer free diagnosis. I want to get to the point where I stop thinking about cancer everyday. It’s been a year and yet it still occupies my thoughts as if it where yesterday. A year ago, I was suffering through an episode of erythema nodosum and my breasts were still healing from surgery. I was getting ready to start to chemo and I was battling an infection. And now here I am, healthy and whole and yet I can’t be happy. I’m trying to find my own double rainbow.

Happy Second Birthday To Me!

It’s not often that you get a second chance at life, and that’s exactly what I got. HURRAY FOR ME!

As you can guess, I made the one year cancer survivor milestone! My mammogram came back all clear with no traces of cancer. I have been diligent with taking all my meds and I’ve been working on losing weight. The night before the mammogram was not a good one for me. I was tense and crying and nervous. Honestly, I was completely freaking out. When the tech began my mammogram, we started talking and I could not shup up. I was so nervous and so upset that I just kept talking and I told the tech that I knew I couldn’t shut up. She laughed, gave me a big hug and kept on with the process. Once she was finished, I told her I knew she couldn’t tell me anything so I asked if it looked like I was going to get a letter in the mail. (A letter in the mail indicates that the mammo is all clear.) I think because she knew I was anxious about my results, she actually told me what she saw on my mammogram. She said that she didn’t see anything, however, a radiologist would blow up the image and look more closely at it. She also said that no one was available to look at my images that day and to expect someone to look tomorrow. Her words immediately calmed me down and I was able to meet up with hubby and baby girl for a late lunch.

So imagine my surprise when during lunch, I received an email from my oncologist with 4 simple words: “Hello, no cancer seen.”

I cried in the middle of a Vietnamese restaurant.

The weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Hubby and I decided to have a special dinner for my new second birthday. We even opened a very special bottle of champagne that was given to use when we got engaged. It was one of the best dinners of my life.

I still have fears in the back of my mind about the cancer coming back, or even becoming metastasized, but then I check myself to continue to think positively. Nothing good can ever come from stressing out over an unknown situation. I feel like the media is now starting to really pay close attention to metastasized cancers and that’s why I keep seeing it online and on the news. At the same time, I keep seeing more and more information on survivors (like little old ladies who have been cancer free for 30 years!) and I tell myself that life is too short as is, stop worrying!

So I will end this on a happy note…Happy second birthday to me. 🙂

Week 2 of Radiation

Life is getting better and better.

This week was the start of week 2 of radiation for me. I was able to get scheduled with the first morning appointment of the day, so I’m out of the house by 6:45 but I’m back home by 7:45. I get home just in time to make breakfast for hubby and baby girl, as well as pack hubby’s lunch. I’m starting to appreciate the craziness that is our mornings. It makes me feel as if nothing bad ever happened to me.

For those of you wondering why cancer patients undergo radiation treatments, I’ll give you the quick answer. Radiation targets the specific part of the body that had cancer. The radiation beams change the DNA of the cancer cells so that they can’t replicate and die off. Normal cells are also effected, however, they can restore themselves and recover. Combined with chemotherapy, the two are extremely effective in getting rid of the cancer for good.

So far my side effects have been mild. My right breast is sore and sensitive. I’m also suffering from lymphedema. Lymphedema is when there is swelling in the body because the lymph nodes can’t/won’t drain properly. I have to massage my skin in a specific order to get the drainage going. Hopefully this will subside within the next few months.

On a random note, I ran into one of my managers from my previous job. They had heard I was diagnosed with breast cancer and I had heard that they didn’t believe it. Anyway, baby girl and I were in Target just browsing (I needed to get out of the house) when my old manager completely walked by me. Didn’t even blink or recognize me. As she walked by, I called her name out and she turned and gave me the “Who are you?” look. I said “Hello, it’s me, Miss May, remember?” You should have seen the look on her face. She was absolutely stunned. She recovered quickly and we exchanged superficial pleasantries. I could tell she thought I looked bad. That night, I came home and really looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes are sunken, my skin super dry. I’m still puffy all over and I’m missing eyebrows and hair. I’ve just let myself go during this time. I’ve felt like I look a man with earrings. I guess my outside reflected how bad I’ve felt on the inside. So the next day I went to the Nordstrom beauty counters and asked for help. The girls hooked me up with eyebrows, eyelashes and moisturizers. I walked out feeling like a million bucks and I finally felt like a woman again. Isn’t it crazy that something as simple as eyebrows can make you feel better?

And on to even better news…my hair has started grown back! I have soft long peachy fuzz going on. My scalp is now much less visible.

Things are starting to looking up. 🙂

 

 

Be Strong, Be Brave

Hi everyone!

Now that fall is here (not), I was hoping for cooling weather. Because of the zolodex injections, I’m still getting hot flashes. I’m not sure how much longer this is going to last, but I am praying it will go away. Like far far far away. Chemo for me has ended, and I’m still so happy to not have to go back to the oncology injection unit. As my mom often tells me: “You have reached the top of Everest, and now you are coming back to base camp.” Basically, the rough stuff is over.

On that note, I have just started radiation treatment. It’s not too bad, however, I am only finishing my first week and I’ve got 4 more weeks to go. I like my radiation oncologist a lot. He is also a cancer survivor and could empathize with everything that has happened to me thus far. The treatments are very quick; maybe a max of 15 minutes from the time I walk into the unit to the time I am back in my car. I have very early morning appointments as well, so there is little impact to our family life. (Of course as I type this, I’ve got a sink full of dirty dishes and laundry that needs to be put away.)

Things are getting better. Aside from the still constant hot flashes, sometimes I get a little nauseous during the day. I also have random headaches from time to time. But I am starting to have more energy. Baby girl and I are going for walks outside four times a week and we’ve got our schedule in the house down. I’ve been having a hard time cooking lately, but I’ve been thinking about going back to using the crock pot every day. We’ve been eating out way too much this last week and our budget has taken a huge hit because of it. A family member started talking to me about the “eat real food challenges” and I’ve been thinking about that as well. All the drugs and steroids have plumped me up, and I had just started to lose the pregnancy weight before this all happened. One of the goals for hubby and I is to get healthy. We also need to lose weight and the take out is not helping. Maybe my first step will be to cut out sugar.

On a random note, I’m starting to meet even more cancer survivors and relatives of cancer survivors all due to me rocking my baldy. Baby girl and I went on a road trip with hubby when he had to drive to another job office about 2 hours away to keep him company. She and I sat in the car and played, when one of the hubby’s colleagues came outside. He saw us and introduced himself and then went back into the office. When we got home that night, hubby told me that his colleague approached him and told him that his mother was currently in the fight against breast cancer. He also said: “Tell your wife to keep fighting. To be strong, and to be brave.” Things like that always move me…when total strangers come up to me and give me positive, uplifting words. I don’t know when my hair will grow back, or when I’ll stop feeling so bad, but I know that I will always fight against this disease.

 

 

 

What a month…

I can’t believe it’s been almost 6 weeks since my last post. So many things have happened. I guess I’ll start with my chemo update.

Over the last several weeks, I had my last two chemo sessions. I wish I could say there was much fanfare, however, it was rather anti-climatic. My third chemo session and the following weeks went by rather quickly (I’ll get to why later) and my fourth chemo session just ended. With my third session, I was watching every little change with my body like a hawk. I did have a hives outbreak but I managed to control it and was not overly effected by it the same way I was when I had to go to the ER. My third session also got pushed back one week because my surgeon thought I might be having an infection and put me on antibiotics. My oncologist wanted to give my body time to bounce back, and so we held off on chemo. I was bitterly disappointed at this, but now that I’ve just had my final session, it seems like getting upset was a waste. *mental note: what people say about wasting emotions on little things is true!*

My last session so far has been uneventful. I’ve managed any itching and my body is fighting to get itself back right. My eyebrows have finally fallen out but luckily, I still have eyelashes. The hair on my head is also starting to grow back. Between the 3rd and final session, I went on an auto-immune diet. I stopped eating things that would trigger an inflammation response. I miss hot suace. I also cut out all edible foods from the nightshade family. This includes things like bell peppers, potatoes and eggplant. I have also dramatically decreased my tomato intake. That is much harder than the rest of the items. I do think it helped because I didn’t have as many issues as I’d had with my first two sessions.

My aunt celebrated my last session with me by taking me out to lunch and with a shopping trip. I didn’t buy much, really just a t-shirt, but it was nice to spend the last day of poisoning my body with her. This week I have my consultation with the radiation group to find out how much radiation I will need. I am praying that I only have to do 3 weeks instead of 5. For those of you that don’t know, I will have to go in every day (minus weekends) and get a blast of radiation targeted at my breasts. This is the final attack on any random cancer cells that may have survived surgery and chemo. Personally, I feel that I am cancer free. Scratch that, I KNOW I am cancer free. However, I will take any help I can get in making sure it stays that way. 🙂

Now back to why the last month went so quickly…we had an unexpected death in the family. Granted, most deaths are unexpected. The person that passed was not someone I was close to, but hubby and other family members were. For a good week, we were out of the house from morning until late night getting everything prepared for the deceased. After that, the family was split up with hubby and baby girl spending time with family, while I stayed home and recuperated from chemo. The whole situation got me to thinking about how much I want to live and what I need to do to make sure I do live. I’ve got some agonizing choices to make in the next few weeks, and when I’m ready I will share them. Right now I am still somewhat raw and unsure over what to do.

On the brighter side of things, I have met so many cancer survivors that my heart is filled with joy for them and myself. A friend of mine recently came to me and told me her life story, how she survived cancer at a really young age and how it made her really decide to live life with gusto. I hate to think that this is what it took for me to rehaul and re-evaluate what I’m doing, but that’s just what happened. My friend humbled me with her kindness and how much she understood what I was going through. I think I cried for days when she hugged me afterward.

This has completely changed me. I’ve begun making sure baby girl and I get out of the house everyday. I cook much healthier meals for hubby and I. I’ve begun a serious exercise regiment. And I’ve started planning more trips for us as a family. I am seriously considering not going back to work at all to focus on baby girl and hubby. Hubby and I talked about it last night and we are both totally okay with less material wealth if it means we have each other and can spend more time together. That’s real wealth.

Zoladex and Erythema Nodosum

Hello friends and family!

First, let me apologize for taking so long to update. Some crazy things have happened since my last update. Let’s talk about the good first.

About 10 or so days ago, I had my two week check in with my surgeon. All is well! I am healing well and everything looks symmetrical (if you know what I mean lol!). In terms of my surgery, she gave me a clean bill of health. On another note, a few days before, I managed to sprain my ankle doing something very stupid. I was not allowed to lift heavy things, so I was kicking and pushing things with my foot to get chores done. So, during the visit, I had my surgeon check to make sure it was just a sprained ankle and not a blood clot. She confirmed it and so I left the hospital walking on sunshine. A few days later, I visited my oncologist and got my Zoladex injection. This shot actually helps protect a woman’s ovaries during chemo and radiation. Another child may just be in the future for us after all! 🙂

So now the bad news…

What I thought was a sprained ankle was actually erythema nodosum. Now if you’re like me, you’re going “what the what?” Family, let me tell you, this is one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced. After the surgeon appointment, I kept waking up with painful bruises. I asked my surgeon if she was sure I didn’t have blood cuts. She assured me that blood clots don’t look like bruises. When I saw the oncologist to get my Zoladex shot, I had her look at the bruises. She told me that they were not ordinary bruises and that I needed to see a dermatologist ASAP. The bruises were red and raised and extremely painful. When I walked, it felt like my leg was shattering in a thousand pieces with each step. And that’s not all. Every day from 1-7 p.m., I would have the worst chills, and would lay under two blankets with a heating pad. My house was 76 degrees! At night my legs would be on fire, and I’d be sweating so hard that it was like I had just run 5 miles.

The dermatologist confirmed that I had erythema nodosum and also did a biopsy for extra confirmation. She suggested I started taking Aleve and keep my legs moisturized. I didn’t think the Aleve would work that well, but it actually kicked booty. The bruises were covering all my lower legs and after one Aleve, they started to clear up. My chills decreased from 6 hours to 2 hours. And I’m not as hot at night anymore. I’ve had this for 2 weeks now and it’s supposed to clear up within 3-6 weeks. *sigh* I wish it was 3 weeks already.

I’m on bed rest and can’t totally help with our baby girl. Hubby has had to pull double daddy duty taking care of both of us. It’s been driving me crazy wondering how I got this weird affliction. Luckily, I was able to have a conversation with another survivor and she told me she had the same thing happen to her during her fight. She reminded me that crazy scary things will happen during this time period because I am fighting for my life. I feel bad mostly for hubby because I know he’s tired. I am praying, taking Aleve and willing myself to heal. I refuse to let this happen to me again.

Other than that, life has been as consistent as it can be given the circumstances. We are eating healthier and trying to do more at home dates together to keep the sanity. We’ve been focusing on the positives vs. the negatives. Hubby and baby girl’s relationship is tighter than ever and that would have not happened if Hubby had not been allowed to take leave. Plus I got my Zoladex shot, ensuring the health of my ovaries. I will live! Everything else is just the water under the bridge. 6 months from now, I will be healthy and whole once again. 1 year from now, I will be thinking “why was I ever upset?”

Time will heal all wounds. 🙂

Reality Bites

It’s 2 a.m. and I’m wide awake.

I think I know why. Heck, I do know why. My mind is racing and I’m scared to go to sleep.

I met with my oncologist today to decide  on my next step for treatment. At this point, with such great results from surgery, I like to think that I am cancer free. Being told I should have chemo reminds me I may not be. My oncologist presented me with stats and with all my health history and diagnosis taken into consideration, I have an 82% survival rate if I do nothing else. If I do chemo and radiation, it goes up to 89%. If I take a drug called tamoxifen, I go up to 92%. Pretty good right?

Except, hubby and I would like to have more children and all of these drugs (especially the tamoxifen) pretty much wreck my fertility. It’s devastating knowing that my choice and ability to have a child may be gone. I had already accepted that I would have to do chemo and radiation but the tamoxifen was dropped on me recently. The geneticist that I worked with told me that she had other patients who have gone on to have children after chemo and a nurse working with my surgeon told me she had more children after surgery. My geneticist suggested that I ask the oncologist what the issue would be if I started tamoxifen a few years later and all my oncologist said was: “It will be better if you start sooner.” I don’t know what to think. Is a 3% increase in survival critical when I’m already in the 90th percentile? Is it worth it just to have another child naturally?

I made the mistake of reading community forums (on breast cancer) related to this tamoxifen dilemma. While there were positive stories, so many more were just so negative. I’m pretty sure this is what’s keeping me up tonight. I tried to tell myself it was to watch the new season of “Orange is the New Black” but I know the truth. And after watching 5 episodes, I went and sat besides my daughter’s crib. I just cried as I watched her sleep. I don’t want her to be alone, with no siblings but at the same time, I don’t want her to not have her mother either. I’m also a little angry at myself because I am open to adoption and yet, I am having the hardest time dealing with the possibility that I may not be able to have another child naturally.

I guess it also doesn’t help that I haven’t been able to properly hold my daughter since I came home from surgery. It will be another week before I can even think about snuggling that baby of mine. It’s driving me crazy.

I will probably watch another episode of OITNB before attempting to try and fall asleep. My mind is just not ready to calm down.

 

 

Mama Nailed It!

Hi everyone!

My surgery was last Wednesday and was a success! My pathology reports came back and the great news is that my margins (the area surrounding the tumor) and my lymph nodes are completely cancer free. My surgeon called with the news and we all stood and hugged each other. Well except for me because I was still in a fog and my chest was/is still hurting. I am so thankful to everyone and to God for bringing me through this.

Several of you have asked me about the surgery and recovery and what it’s like. In addition to a lumpectomy, I also opted to have a breast reduction done at the same time. My breast surgeon and plastic surgeon were both in the OR together and worked on each breast. The whole procedure took about 4 hours and I was under general anesthesia the whole time. Prior to the surgery starting, my mom, husband, auntie and baby were in the pre-op area with me. Folks, I could not stop crying. I was so scared and I was even more scared of the anesthesia. I think my main fear was not being able to wake up. When the nurse came for me, my aunt, mom and baby left and my husband stayed behind to give me one last hug and pep talk. I still tear up when I think of that moment. He hugged me so tight and kept telling me what I a strong woman I was.

When I was finally ready, the nurse led me into the OR and I said hello to both of my surgeons. My nurse then laid me on the OR table and held my hand while the anesthesiologist began administering the anesthesia. I remember nothing after that.

The next thing I remember was driving down the highway with my daughter in the car with me. As I looked out toward the right side of the car, we were hit very hard. Then I opened my eyes and I was laying in a hospital bed. I started gasping for air and asking for my daughter. A nurse came running over and I asked him if my daughter was okay in the accident and I asked where my husband was. He told me he’d get my husband and that my husband would take care of me. In a matter of moments, hubby was right there holding my hand and telling me the surgery had been a success. Surgery? What surgery, I was in a car accident. I then realized the car accident was a dream and that I already finished my lumpectomy. My brain was foggy and the lights in the recovery room hurt my eyes. One by one my family came in to hold my hand and talk to me. My mom told me that I asked her to put my pencil in my purse so I wouldn’t forget it. She said “ok honey I will.” and just patted my hand. The funny thing is that I remember asking her to do that. So for the next 4 hours I said very incoherent things to my family. My head was hurting, I was extremely nauseous, I kept passing out, my throat was aching and my chest was on fire. This was supposed to be an out patient surgery, but my husband demanded a hospital bed for me that night. My mom ended up staying the night with me in the hospital and hubby and baby came home.

The first few days after I came home, I was still very foggy and sore. My surgeon asked me to take a shower on Friday and to remove all the bandages and drains from my chest. As I was pulling the gauze off and hubby was pulling the drains out, I became very woozy. Thank goodness for nurses and doctors and people who can actually deal with the sight of flesh and blood. I had to lay down after my shower because I was so faint after watching and pulling it out and off.

So today, 4 days after my surgery, I am feeling much better. My chest is still aching, my arms and sides are still numb, hubby still has to help me shower, but I thank God I am here and alive.

 

Time is Flying By

Hi everyone!

It’s the Tuesday after Memorial Day weekend and our household is gearing up for my surgery next week. So many things to do before the big day. I’m so excited and so anxious at the same time. The house is a mess, I’ve got to make some freezer meals and I’ve still got to finish up some work projects for some of my clients. This is one of those times where I just have to sit back and take a deep breath. At least my surgeon has given me more Xanax. LOL!

Hubby surprised me yesterday with a date he’s planned for this Thursday. He wanted us to have a great time together before the surgery, because who knows when we’ll be able to do it again. I’m even wondering if I should get my hair and nails done for the date.

On a more or less serious note, I got the results back from my MRI guided biopsy and it turned out to just be milk. The radiologist who performed the biopsy was very kind and even told me after that she believed the weird spot was nothing. And she was right!

I also met my new plastic surgeon and I love her. While she was very matter of fact, she was also very nice and did not make me feel bad about having cancer. She gave me all my options and told me about outcomes from other surgeries she had done. Her attitude of “don’t worry unless you have to, and even then, why worry?” really put me at ease. I am the kind of person that likes to be prepared for all scenarios and for once I’ve had to live day to day. It’s driving me nuts. 🙂

I had considered having a “Goodbye Cancer, F*ck You” party this weekend, but I remembered my grandfather still does not know I have cancer. My family has intentionally kept it from him because we don’t want him to worry. Maybe we will all still get together but under a different circumstance. I will have to think about it…

And on a final “when it rains it pours” moment, our washing machine and dryer broke down this weekend. Luckily for us it is still under warranty. The repair man should be here tomorrow and I’m still debating if it’s better if he can fix it or if he could just deem it unrepairable so we can get a new one. Another hmmmmmmmm moment…

Talk to you all again soon!

“It’s My Job To Clean Up the Mess…”

My apologies for the delay in this post. I know some of you have been wondering what happened when I met with a second doctor and plastic surgeon. Let me tell you, it was a doozy.

So last Friday, I met with a second breast cancer doctor/surgeon and a plastic surgeon on her team. I was pretty happy with my first surgeon team, but a friend of the family recommended this other team for a second opinion. The family friend has close ties to this second team but is not someone who benefits whether I go with this team or not. So yeah, I met the breast surgeon first and she was okay. There were some things I noticed about how she talked to me. I could tell she wanted to make sure we (meaning her and I) did everything to ensure my survival, but she did not take any of my thoughts/ideas into consideration. She asked me questions about what I wanted and what my thoughts were and then proceeded to tell me what she was going to do for my recovery plan. I might as well have been talking to a wall. The thing is, I was still willing to work with her as my primary surgeon because she came highly recommended. But then I met her plastic surgeon…

The meeting with the plastic surgeon started off well enough. Introductions were made and she came in with a box of goodies that looked to be silicone breast implant size samples. Now let me tell you, physically, I am a big girl. I’m tall and could stand to lose some weight. The reason I bring this up, is because the plastic surgeon made me very aware of my size and how it was “her job to clean up the mess after the breast surgeon was done.”

Yes boys and girls, this b*tch really did say that. And she said it twice.

Her whole attitude was horrible. You know when you interrupt someone on their lunch break or on their way to lunch with work and they get really shitty with you? This was the plastic surgeon. She made me feel like I brought this cancer on myself either because I’m big or for some other reason. She then started talking and shrugging her shoulders like “well you’re probably not going to get the reconstruction you want and you know we can’t always get the breasts the same, etc etc etc.” Dear reader, I am paraphrasing the whole awful conversation because there is really no reason to rehash this b*tch’s horrible words verbatim. But I tell you what, she really made me feel bad. I left that conversation feeling like I was going to be Quasimondo for the rest of my life. I was almost as distraught after talking to her as I was the day I got my diagnosis. I could tell this lady did not want to work on me as if I were a leper.

After leaving our appointment with her, the breast surgeon called and asked how we were doing. I flat out asked her if I had done something to piss off the plastic surgeon. The breast surgeon paused and said “No, she’s just like that, etc etc etc.” offering excuse after excuse for the plastic surgeon. At this time in my life, I need cheerleaders, not naysayers.

So anyway…this week I have an MRI guided biopsy to check one more spot that showed a weird clump of cells. Could be something, could be nothing. I’m staying positive and telling myself that the clump of cells is nothing. Oh and more good news, my tests came back as BRCA negative! Yay me and yay for my baby girl. One less thing to worry about.

This week I only have two appointments and we’ve been trying to get back to a normal schedule. (Well as normal as it can be with this diagnosis.) I feel bad for hubby because I think it effects him even harder than it does me. I think he needs kisses right about now. Good night all!