My Own Double Rainbow

Lately I’ve been fluctuating between happiness that my mammogram came back all clear and the sadness and fear that the cancer will come back. Today has been a little harder for me.

It all started when baby girl and I started watching the movie “UP.” Within the first 5 minutes of the movie, I always cry (those of you who’ve seen it know what I’m talking about) and then towards the end, I cry again. There is this scene where Carl (the old man) looks through his and his late wife’s scrapbook reliving their life together. At the very last page, his wife wrote to him: “Thank you for the adventure, now go and have a new one.” She’s telling him to move on with his life after she’s gone.

I had not watched this movie in some years; and I’d forgotten about that scene. It made me so sad to think that one day I may have to tell baby girl and hubby to move on if I’m gone. How I may not see her grow, graduate from college, start her own family or celebrate any milestones in her life. When hubby came home, he noticed I was melancholy, but allowed me to be with my thoughts. After dinner, he and baby girl went to bed early and I was again stuck in my head about dying. To make it worse, there was an article in the paper about a local newscaster who battled breast cancer for 16 years and then passing away at age 56. That means she had started her battle against cancer right at 40 and I’m in my 30’s. Is that what I have to look forward to?

I’m finding it hard to be joyous tonight, even though I know it’s better for my health and my mind to stay positive. To be happy that I beat the disease. I’ve recently met several people with stories of survival and some who are just starting the battle. One woman I was chatting with is BRCA+ (meaning she has the genetic form) which has a lower survival rate than the type I have. She is a 6 year survivor and is going strong. I told her I couldn’t wait to hit my 6 year anniversary. She told me to stay strong. Sometimes, like tonight, I can’t be strong. I feel scared, and weak, and alone. I find it hard to take life day by day and there are times when even minute by minute is a struggle. I worry that it will affect my ability to be a good mother to baby girl. The fear and worry are gnawing at me.

This past weekend hubby and I had a short but meaningful conversation about children. I decided to not go through with seeing an onco-fertility specialist. Hubby had started to set aside money for in-vitro and egg harvesting, but I told him I had come to peace about not having another biological child. He hugged me and told me that he’d rather have me, his wife, than another child and that he was perfectly happy adopting. I think we may start the process, even though we’re not really ready for another child just yet. My heart has still not given up hope that one day I will be pregnant with a child again, but I am also glad that I finally got over the hurdle of being emotionally tied up over it.

This week, tomorrow, the next day, soon, really…I hope to be back to my normal self. The one who is still ecstatic over a one year cancer free diagnosis. I want to get to the point where I stop thinking about cancer everyday. It’s been a year and yet it still occupies my thoughts as if it where yesterday. A year ago, I was suffering through an episode of erythema nodosum and my breasts were still healing from surgery. I was getting ready to start to chemo and I was battling an infection. And now here I am, healthy and whole and yet I can’t be happy. I’m trying to find my own double rainbow.

Sometimes You Just Need a Good Cry

Yesterday was not a good day for me.

I had gone a few days without having any chills, but it suddenly came back yesterday. The good news is that the chills are no where near as bad as they had been. Whereas before I had bone chilling, teeth chattering frozenness, yesterday I was just cold. I was hoping that this meant I was getting better, but then night came.

Around 8 p.m., after the cold feelings were finally gone, I suddenly got so hot and started sweating like a pig. My legs were on fire and hurt so bad. I was so miserable. Hubby was at a loss as to how to help me, but there was nothing he could do.

I finally got up, hobbled to the bathroom, locked myself in and just started crying. And I don’t mean sweet, gentle tears, I mean all out bawling, snotty nose, you start coughing and you get dry heaves crying. The whole time I was just praying to God for help because the pain and discomfort was so terrible, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. Erythema nodosum is no joke and I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy.

Hubby let me cry by myself for a good 10 minutes. I finally pulled myself together and took a cool shower to help combat the heat and pain. I would love to tell you that I was right as rain after that, but I wasn’t. The shower did help decrease the heat from my legs as well as the pain. Plus, all that crying wore me out. Hubby tucked me into bed and I was able to fall asleep.

I know that right now my body is going through crazy things and soon it will get crazier with chemo. I keep praying for strength to keep it together for hubby and baby girl. I feel bad because baby girl gets so quiet and just watches me when she knows I’m hurting. I wish she didn’t have to deal with this as well.

Today is a new day and I’ve just hit the 3 week mark of dealing with erythema nodosum. I am hoping that things will start to get better soon. Some of the bruises are turning purple (instead of the angry red they have been) and I am taking it as a good sign.