The last week has not been good for me.
Lately, I’ve felt almost like I did when I was first diagnosed. My mind is dwelling on the breast cancer coming back and I’m absolutely terrified that baby girl won’t have her mother. I’ve found myself crying quite a bit and not being able to sleep. My anxiety is at an all time high and I can’t seem to stop the morbid thoughts from entering my mind.
I’m trying very hard to not be negative because I believe that our bodies respond to what we think. If we believe that our body will die, well then, I feel the individual cells may just stop working because they will feel like “what’s the point?” To make it worse, there have been stories in the news lately of people dying from cancer at a young age. Just recently, a popular Mexican singer passed from breast cancer at the age of 44 after battling the cancer for 6 years. Like her, I was diagnosed at a young age (in my 30’s) and her story reminded me of how fragile life really is. I keep telling myself I can not leave baby girl motherless, but I still can’t stop thinking about death.
I keep looking at my case and my statistics, and I know I’m very lucky that my cancer was caught early. Right now, I have a 92% survival rate but that 8% is f*cking with my mind. (Excuse the language; I just feel like it’s the only word that truly expresses how I feel.) I should be grateful, and I am, I just don’t know why I can’t let it go and move on and go back to how my life was.
Sometimes I just watch baby girl and I cry at the thought of not being with her because of this disease. I know some of the tears are the normal emotions of a mother watching her baby grow up. I’ve been burning images of her in my mind so I will have them always and then the morbid thoughts kick in. I feel that doing that is just setting myself up for a cancer recurrence.
I spoke with a medical professional recently about how I’ve been feeling and she told me that my feelings were normal and common among survivors in the months after treatment. She explained that during the treatment process, patients are strong because they have to deal with the physical demands of surgery, chemo and radiation. That patients don’t have time to really deal with the true emotions of what they are going through. She even said that many patients actually go through PTSD once treatment is finished. I thought that was a bit of a stretch because when I think of PTSD, I think of soldiers fighting overseas and people dealing with abuse and violent crime. How could something like cancer produce a PTSD response in a patient? She politely chastised me for not being gentle with myself and my feelings and urged me to seek out a support group or speak to a therapist.
I do agree that I need to find a group with other young survivors and I am considering a therapist for some one on one sessions. I think I have to stop acting like nothing ever happened and acknowledge what I’ve gone through, beyond the physical issues.
Hopefully this new week will be a better one.