Chemo Day #2

I had my second chemo appointment this week.

It wasn’t too bad, except I had a not so nice provider administering my chemo dosage. This lady was competent enough, except she had to do everything twice. And to make matters worse, she talked over me, admonished me (for no reason) and wouldn’t answer any questions that I had. When my session was over, she left me sitting there for about 20 minutes while she was on her computer and then pulled out my needle in such a way that I am still bruised days later. So yeah, I told my oncologist about it and we agreed I would have a new provider. It’s hard enough to go into these appointments, so why would I want to keep working with someone who wasn’t nice to me?

Anyhow, the days since have been okay. I was able to keep up my energy the first few days after, but today has been much harder. My mouth is full of sores and my tongue is swollen. My face and head hurts and I keep staving off a nose bleed. My chest and back still feel like I’m having heart burn. And, I slept 5 hours in the middle of the day. Hubby, baby girl and I went to the park for about an hour and it was nice. Towards the end, I found myself dragging and sweating just to move around. Hubby immediately brought me home so I could rest. I keep thinking that I will conquer the chemo side effects, but today it’s conquered me.

A few days ago, Hubby took on the task of shaving my head. It was actually anti-climatic. I guess I’d been used to my hair falling out and he just matter of factly, cut my head clean. There are some baldy patches and some patches with stubble left. In some hats, my hair is attaching like velcro. It’s actually pretty funny. Next week I am getting fitted for a wig, but to be honest, I find my baldness refreshing. I don’t know if I will actually wear the wig or just stick with the scarves and hat.

Tomorrow I am supposed to visit a friend and her new baby. I’m not sure if I will make it or not based on today. I am required to give myself neupogen shots (help increase white blood cells) which make me completely loopy. I take it at night so I’m less messed up from the side effects, but they seem to have gotten stronger this go around. Luckily, I only have a few more days of this med.

Today’s mantra: This is only temporary, and this too shall all pass.

Wide Awake…

I’m on day 4.5 after chemo and it’s not so bad.

Except I dread nights. I’m still itchy from whatever allergic reaction I had, and even the softest blanket we have in the house makes me itch. For awhile, I’m nice and cool and then I’m roasting hot again. Did I mention it’s hot? I’m burning up.

The side effects aren’t too horrible. I have a hard time eating due to mouth sores, but I am controlling that with special mouthwashes. A lot of my meals have been very soft foods and smoothies. Unfortunately, I am on the team of people who gain weight on chemo. So far it’s been 4 lbs. It’s a little depressing but at least I know the weight will come right off as soon as I’m done with my ‘roids.

Things are starting to getting better, even with the rashes and my leg issues. I saw my dermatologist today and we actually went over all of the meds I was given during my surgery. It makes sense now why my body is having so many reactions. I’m one of those people that barely takes aspirin when I have a headache, so to see this list, I’m shocked I’m still standing.

So anyway, it’s close to midnight. My kitty is sitting next to me and I’m debating if I should try and fall asleep or watch the new “Hemlock Grove” season 2 series that will start soon. Then again, there’s always shopping on Amazon too…

LOL, can you tell I’m getting back to normal?

 

First Day of Chemo

I spent all last week doing research on what this chemo session would feel like. Last night I was completely confident about going into my appointment today.

That’s not what happened.

I started freaking out on the drive in and hubby had to give me another pep talk. Babies are not allowed in the oncology room (which I completely understand) so baby girl and hubby had to drop me off. The appointment itself ended up taking about 4 hours. I started with a saline solution for about 30 minutes, along with an anti nausea medication and an anti anxiety pill (’cause Mama was having a major melt down). After that, I was given some more meds (also via IV) to help with the side effects of chemo. By this time I had already enjoyed an episode of “Bizarre Foods America” and talked to hubby. He and baby girl went for a walk around the park and were getting ready to visit a family friend.

Finally, the time came for chemo. I first received Cytoxan for about 40 minutes. My nurse told me that the most common side effect was a stuffy nose or feeling some kind of pressure on the nose. At the 30 minute mark, my nose felt dry on the inside but that was it. Then my nurse set me up with the heavy hitter, Taxotere. She told me all the things to watch out for while on the IV. At the 15 minute mark, she came back and said “If you were going to have a problem, it would have been in the first 15 minutes. Since you didn’t, we are going to put your drip on regular speed.” Thank you God!

So overall, my day today was much easier than I expected. I still have to watch out for certain issues and I have to give myself shots to increase my white blood cell count. But I am tired, so I will have to make this post short. Hopefully I will have more energy to write more on this event.

Reality Bites

It’s 2 a.m. and I’m wide awake.

I think I know why. Heck, I do know why. My mind is racing and I’m scared to go to sleep.

I met with my oncologist today to decide  on my next step for treatment. At this point, with such great results from surgery, I like to think that I am cancer free. Being told I should have chemo reminds me I may not be. My oncologist presented me with stats and with all my health history and diagnosis taken into consideration, I have an 82% survival rate if I do nothing else. If I do chemo and radiation, it goes up to 89%. If I take a drug called tamoxifen, I go up to 92%. Pretty good right?

Except, hubby and I would like to have more children and all of these drugs (especially the tamoxifen) pretty much wreck my fertility. It’s devastating knowing that my choice and ability to have a child may be gone. I had already accepted that I would have to do chemo and radiation but the tamoxifen was dropped on me recently. The geneticist that I worked with told me that she had other patients who have gone on to have children after chemo and a nurse working with my surgeon told me she had more children after surgery. My geneticist suggested that I ask the oncologist what the issue would be if I started tamoxifen a few years later and all my oncologist said was: “It will be better if you start sooner.” I don’t know what to think. Is a 3% increase in survival critical when I’m already in the 90th percentile? Is it worth it just to have another child naturally?

I made the mistake of reading community forums (on breast cancer) related to this tamoxifen dilemma. While there were positive stories, so many more were just so negative. I’m pretty sure this is what’s keeping me up tonight. I tried to tell myself it was to watch the new season of “Orange is the New Black” but I know the truth. And after watching 5 episodes, I went and sat besides my daughter’s crib. I just cried as I watched her sleep. I don’t want her to be alone, with no siblings but at the same time, I don’t want her to not have her mother either. I’m also a little angry at myself because I am open to adoption and yet, I am having the hardest time dealing with the possibility that I may not be able to have another child naturally.

I guess it also doesn’t help that I haven’t been able to properly hold my daughter since I came home from surgery. It will be another week before I can even think about snuggling that baby of mine. It’s driving me crazy.

I will probably watch another episode of OITNB before attempting to try and fall asleep. My mind is just not ready to calm down.