My Own Double Rainbow

Lately I’ve been fluctuating between happiness that my mammogram came back all clear and the sadness and fear that the cancer will come back. Today has been a little harder for me.

It all started when baby girl and I started watching the movie “UP.” Within the first 5 minutes of the movie, I always cry (those of you who’ve seen it know what I’m talking about) and then towards the end, I cry again. There is this scene where Carl (the old man) looks through his and his late wife’s scrapbook reliving their life together. At the very last page, his wife wrote to him: “Thank you for the adventure, now go and have a new one.” She’s telling him to move on with his life after she’s gone.

I had not watched this movie in some years; and I’d forgotten about that scene. It made me so sad to think that one day I may have to tell baby girl and hubby to move on if I’m gone. How I may not see her grow, graduate from college, start her own family or celebrate any milestones in her life. When hubby came home, he noticed I was melancholy, but allowed me to be with my thoughts. After dinner, he and baby girl went to bed early and I was again stuck in my head about dying. To make it worse, there was an article in the paper about a local newscaster who battled breast cancer for 16 years and then passing away at age 56. That means she had started her battle against cancer right at 40 and I’m in my 30’s. Is that what I have to look forward to?

I’m finding it hard to be joyous tonight, even though I know it’s better for my health and my mind to stay positive. To be happy that I beat the disease. I’ve recently met several people with stories of survival and some who are just starting the battle. One woman I was chatting with is BRCA+ (meaning she has the genetic form) which has a lower survival rate than the type I have. She is a 6 year survivor and is going strong. I told her I couldn’t wait to hit my 6 year anniversary. She told me to stay strong. Sometimes, like tonight, I can’t be strong. I feel scared, and weak, and alone. I find it hard to take life day by day and there are times when even minute by minute is a struggle. I worry that it will affect my ability to be a good mother to baby girl. The fear and worry are gnawing at me.

This past weekend hubby and I had a short but meaningful conversation about children. I decided to not go through with seeing an onco-fertility specialist. Hubby had started to set aside money for in-vitro and egg harvesting, but I told him I had come to peace about not having another biological child. He hugged me and told me that he’d rather have me, his wife, than another child and that he was perfectly happy adopting. I think we may start the process, even though we’re not really ready for another child just yet. My heart has still not given up hope that one day I will be pregnant with a child again, but I am also glad that I finally got over the hurdle of being emotionally tied up over it.

This week, tomorrow, the next day, soon, really…I hope to be back to my normal self. The one who is still ecstatic over a one year cancer free diagnosis. I want to get to the point where I stop thinking about cancer everyday. It’s been a year and yet it still occupies my thoughts as if it where yesterday. A year ago, I was suffering through an episode of erythema nodosum and my breasts were still healing from surgery. I was getting ready to start to chemo and I was battling an infection. And now here I am, healthy and whole and yet I can’t be happy. I’m trying to find my own double rainbow.

Happy Second Birthday To Me!

It’s not often that you get a second chance at life, and that’s exactly what I got. HURRAY FOR ME!

As you can guess, I made the one year cancer survivor milestone! My mammogram came back all clear with no traces of cancer. I have been diligent with taking all my meds and I’ve been working on losing weight. The night before the mammogram was not a good one for me. I was tense and crying and nervous. Honestly, I was completely freaking out. When the tech began my mammogram, we started talking and I could not shup up. I was so nervous and so upset that I just kept talking and I told the tech that I knew I couldn’t shut up. She laughed, gave me a big hug and kept on with the process. Once she was finished, I told her I knew she couldn’t tell me anything so I asked if it looked like I was going to get a letter in the mail. (A letter in the mail indicates that the mammo is all clear.) I think because she knew I was anxious about my results, she actually told me what she saw on my mammogram. She said that she didn’t see anything, however, a radiologist would blow up the image and look more closely at it. She also said that no one was available to look at my images that day and to expect someone to look tomorrow. Her words immediately calmed me down and I was able to meet up with hubby and baby girl for a late lunch.

So imagine my surprise when during lunch, I received an email from my oncologist with 4 simple words: “Hello, no cancer seen.”

I cried in the middle of a Vietnamese restaurant.

The weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Hubby and I decided to have a special dinner for my new second birthday. We even opened a very special bottle of champagne that was given to use when we got engaged. It was one of the best dinners of my life.

I still have fears in the back of my mind about the cancer coming back, or even becoming metastasized, but then I check myself to continue to think positively. Nothing good can ever come from stressing out over an unknown situation. I feel like the media is now starting to really pay close attention to metastasized cancers and that’s why I keep seeing it online and on the news. At the same time, I keep seeing more and more information on survivors (like little old ladies who have been cancer free for 30 years!) and I tell myself that life is too short as is, stop worrying!

So I will end this on a happy note…Happy second birthday to me. 🙂

Ramblings On Babies, Cats and Everything In Between

Let me catch you up to date on the latest happenings in our household.

My one year anniversary of being diagnosed has come and gone. It was very anti-climatic; I thought I’d wake to trumpets blaring and eagles flying overhead, but it was just another day. Baby girl needed her breakfast and laundry had to be done. I went for my check up with my oncologist and I passed with flying colors. I still need to get a mammogram and I’ve got one scheduled in the next few weeks.

We also went to see a fertility specialist to see what my reproductive system looked like post chemo. As feared, chemo decimated my egg supply, but overall, my lady parts were quite healthy. The doctor did find a solid number of eggs, but not as many as he would have liked. The question that’s been burning in my brain, is do I risk cancer coming back by having another child naturally? I’m in my 30’s now and by the time I finish my medications (5 years worth) I will be in my early 40’s and it will be much harder to have a child then. Interestingly enough, there is no statistical evidence that pregnancy causes breast cancer to re-occur. (In fact, there is actual evidence to show it may be good to be pregnant again.) I’ve asked my oncologist and other specialty doctors for the statistics and they don’t have any. They just keep telling me that it’s a bad idea. I know their job is to keep me alive, but is this just fear mongering to make sure there are no relapses? Maybe I’m just being hard headed as my heart still has a hard time believing I may not be able to have another child naturally. Even though hubby and I had planned to adopt, I keep wondering, am I really that vain that I need to have my genes replicated? Perhaps it’s the loss of something that really is so feminine to the core.

I have an appointment to see an onco-fertility specialist soon. Hubby and I felt that we needed to really be educated about what our options are. We’ve been pushed towards IVF and a surrogate, but that’s easily $100,000. I can’t afford that and I go back to the thought that we had planned to adopt anyway. Why the mental block then?

On another sad note, one of our pets died recently. And he died from cancer. I felt so horrible. This sweet creature comforted me during my time of need and I had no idea he was suffering as well until it was too late. He passed away gently in my arms under the warm sun. We all cried that day. It’s been a few weeks now and I still really miss him.

Other than that, things have been remarkably normal. I’ve been taking little mama to the library for story time and she started swimming lessons. I’ve also started working part time on my hobby business, so it’s nice to have a little extra spending money in the house. This weekend we are going on a road trip to check out a new city where hubby’s company is trying to relocate us. It’s at least a 10 hour drive from us now and I really don’t want to leave our family here in the Bay Area. I’ve already started packing and I’m preparing a lot of food to bring. Money is tight right now and with the hotel and gas, I’m trying to save as much money as possible. (His company is not paying for this trip.)

I’m still living life one day at a time, so when those burning thoughts enter my head, I try to give it up to God so that I don’t worry about it anymore.

PTSD After Treatment

The last week has not been good for me.

Lately, I’ve felt almost like I did when I was first diagnosed. My mind is dwelling on the breast cancer coming back and I’m absolutely terrified that baby girl won’t have her mother. I’ve found myself crying quite a bit and not being able to sleep. My anxiety is at an all time high and I can’t seem to stop the morbid thoughts from entering my mind.

I’m trying very hard to not be negative because I believe that our bodies respond to what we think. If we believe that our body will die, well then, I feel the individual cells may just stop working because they will feel like “what’s the point?” To make it worse, there have been stories in the news lately of people dying from cancer at a young age. Just recently, a popular Mexican singer passed from breast cancer at the age of 44 after battling the cancer for 6 years. Like her, I was diagnosed at a young age (in my 30’s) and her story reminded me of how fragile life really is. I keep telling myself I can not leave baby girl motherless, but I still can’t stop thinking about death.

I keep looking at my case and my statistics, and I know I’m very lucky that my cancer was caught early. Right now, I have a 92% survival rate but that 8% is f*cking with my mind. (Excuse the language; I just feel like it’s the only word that truly expresses how I feel.) I should be grateful, and I am, I just don’t know why I can’t let it go and move on and go back to how my life was.

Sometimes I just watch baby girl and I cry at the thought of not being with her because of this disease. I know some of the tears are the normal emotions of a mother watching her baby grow up. I’ve been burning images of her in my mind so I will have them always and then the morbid thoughts kick in. I feel that doing that is just setting myself up for a cancer recurrence.

I spoke with a medical professional recently about how I’ve been feeling and she told me that my feelings were normal and common among survivors in the months after treatment. She explained that during the treatment process, patients are strong because they have to deal with the physical demands of surgery, chemo and radiation. That patients don’t have time to really deal with the true emotions of what they are going through. She even said that many patients actually go through PTSD once treatment is finished. I thought that was a bit of a stretch because when I think of PTSD, I think of soldiers fighting overseas and people dealing with abuse and violent crime. How could something like cancer produce a PTSD response in a patient? She politely chastised me for not being gentle with myself and my feelings and urged me to seek out a support group or speak to a therapist.

I do agree that I need to find a group with other young survivors and I am considering a therapist for some one on one sessions. I think I have to stop acting like nothing ever happened and acknowledge what I’ve gone through, beyond the physical issues.

Hopefully this new week will be a better one.

 

 

Be Strong, Be Brave

Hi everyone!

Now that fall is here (not), I was hoping for cooling weather. Because of the zolodex injections, I’m still getting hot flashes. I’m not sure how much longer this is going to last, but I am praying it will go away. Like far far far away. Chemo for me has ended, and I’m still so happy to not have to go back to the oncology injection unit. As my mom often tells me: “You have reached the top of Everest, and now you are coming back to base camp.” Basically, the rough stuff is over.

On that note, I have just started radiation treatment. It’s not too bad, however, I am only finishing my first week and I’ve got 4 more weeks to go. I like my radiation oncologist a lot. He is also a cancer survivor and could empathize with everything that has happened to me thus far. The treatments are very quick; maybe a max of 15 minutes from the time I walk into the unit to the time I am back in my car. I have very early morning appointments as well, so there is little impact to our family life. (Of course as I type this, I’ve got a sink full of dirty dishes and laundry that needs to be put away.)

Things are getting better. Aside from the still constant hot flashes, sometimes I get a little nauseous during the day. I also have random headaches from time to time. But I am starting to have more energy. Baby girl and I are going for walks outside four times a week and we’ve got our schedule in the house down. I’ve been having a hard time cooking lately, but I’ve been thinking about going back to using the crock pot every day. We’ve been eating out way too much this last week and our budget has taken a huge hit because of it. A family member started talking to me about the “eat real food challenges” and I’ve been thinking about that as well. All the drugs and steroids have plumped me up, and I had just started to lose the pregnancy weight before this all happened. One of the goals for hubby and I is to get healthy. We also need to lose weight and the take out is not helping. Maybe my first step will be to cut out sugar.

On a random note, I’m starting to meet even more cancer survivors and relatives of cancer survivors all due to me rocking my baldy. Baby girl and I went on a road trip with hubby when he had to drive to another job office about 2 hours away to keep him company. She and I sat in the car and played, when one of the hubby’s colleagues came outside. He saw us and introduced himself and then went back into the office. When we got home that night, hubby told me that his colleague approached him and told him that his mother was currently in the fight against breast cancer. He also said: “Tell your wife to keep fighting. To be strong, and to be brave.” Things like that always move me…when total strangers come up to me and give me positive, uplifting words. I don’t know when my hair will grow back, or when I’ll stop feeling so bad, but I know that I will always fight against this disease.

 

 

 

What a month…

I can’t believe it’s been almost 6 weeks since my last post. So many things have happened. I guess I’ll start with my chemo update.

Over the last several weeks, I had my last two chemo sessions. I wish I could say there was much fanfare, however, it was rather anti-climatic. My third chemo session and the following weeks went by rather quickly (I’ll get to why later) and my fourth chemo session just ended. With my third session, I was watching every little change with my body like a hawk. I did have a hives outbreak but I managed to control it and was not overly effected by it the same way I was when I had to go to the ER. My third session also got pushed back one week because my surgeon thought I might be having an infection and put me on antibiotics. My oncologist wanted to give my body time to bounce back, and so we held off on chemo. I was bitterly disappointed at this, but now that I’ve just had my final session, it seems like getting upset was a waste. *mental note: what people say about wasting emotions on little things is true!*

My last session so far has been uneventful. I’ve managed any itching and my body is fighting to get itself back right. My eyebrows have finally fallen out but luckily, I still have eyelashes. The hair on my head is also starting to grow back. Between the 3rd and final session, I went on an auto-immune diet. I stopped eating things that would trigger an inflammation response. I miss hot suace. I also cut out all edible foods from the nightshade family. This includes things like bell peppers, potatoes and eggplant. I have also dramatically decreased my tomato intake. That is much harder than the rest of the items. I do think it helped because I didn’t have as many issues as I’d had with my first two sessions.

My aunt celebrated my last session with me by taking me out to lunch and with a shopping trip. I didn’t buy much, really just a t-shirt, but it was nice to spend the last day of poisoning my body with her. This week I have my consultation with the radiation group to find out how much radiation I will need. I am praying that I only have to do 3 weeks instead of 5. For those of you that don’t know, I will have to go in every day (minus weekends) and get a blast of radiation targeted at my breasts. This is the final attack on any random cancer cells that may have survived surgery and chemo. Personally, I feel that I am cancer free. Scratch that, I KNOW I am cancer free. However, I will take any help I can get in making sure it stays that way. 🙂

Now back to why the last month went so quickly…we had an unexpected death in the family. Granted, most deaths are unexpected. The person that passed was not someone I was close to, but hubby and other family members were. For a good week, we were out of the house from morning until late night getting everything prepared for the deceased. After that, the family was split up with hubby and baby girl spending time with family, while I stayed home and recuperated from chemo. The whole situation got me to thinking about how much I want to live and what I need to do to make sure I do live. I’ve got some agonizing choices to make in the next few weeks, and when I’m ready I will share them. Right now I am still somewhat raw and unsure over what to do.

On the brighter side of things, I have met so many cancer survivors that my heart is filled with joy for them and myself. A friend of mine recently came to me and told me her life story, how she survived cancer at a really young age and how it made her really decide to live life with gusto. I hate to think that this is what it took for me to rehaul and re-evaluate what I’m doing, but that’s just what happened. My friend humbled me with her kindness and how much she understood what I was going through. I think I cried for days when she hugged me afterward.

This has completely changed me. I’ve begun making sure baby girl and I get out of the house everyday. I cook much healthier meals for hubby and I. I’ve begun a serious exercise regiment. And I’ve started planning more trips for us as a family. I am seriously considering not going back to work at all to focus on baby girl and hubby. Hubby and I talked about it last night and we are both totally okay with less material wealth if it means we have each other and can spend more time together. That’s real wealth.

Sometimes You Just Need a Good Cry

Yesterday was not a good day for me.

I had gone a few days without having any chills, but it suddenly came back yesterday. The good news is that the chills are no where near as bad as they had been. Whereas before I had bone chilling, teeth chattering frozenness, yesterday I was just cold. I was hoping that this meant I was getting better, but then night came.

Around 8 p.m., after the cold feelings were finally gone, I suddenly got so hot and started sweating like a pig. My legs were on fire and hurt so bad. I was so miserable. Hubby was at a loss as to how to help me, but there was nothing he could do.

I finally got up, hobbled to the bathroom, locked myself in and just started crying. And I don’t mean sweet, gentle tears, I mean all out bawling, snotty nose, you start coughing and you get dry heaves crying. The whole time I was just praying to God for help because the pain and discomfort was so terrible, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. Erythema nodosum is no joke and I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy.

Hubby let me cry by myself for a good 10 minutes. I finally pulled myself together and took a cool shower to help combat the heat and pain. I would love to tell you that I was right as rain after that, but I wasn’t. The shower did help decrease the heat from my legs as well as the pain. Plus, all that crying wore me out. Hubby tucked me into bed and I was able to fall asleep.

I know that right now my body is going through crazy things and soon it will get crazier with chemo. I keep praying for strength to keep it together for hubby and baby girl. I feel bad because baby girl gets so quiet and just watches me when she knows I’m hurting. I wish she didn’t have to deal with this as well.

Today is a new day and I’ve just hit the 3 week mark of dealing with erythema nodosum. I am hoping that things will start to get better soon. Some of the bruises are turning purple (instead of the angry red they have been) and I am taking it as a good sign.

Reality Bites

It’s 2 a.m. and I’m wide awake.

I think I know why. Heck, I do know why. My mind is racing and I’m scared to go to sleep.

I met with my oncologist today to decide  on my next step for treatment. At this point, with such great results from surgery, I like to think that I am cancer free. Being told I should have chemo reminds me I may not be. My oncologist presented me with stats and with all my health history and diagnosis taken into consideration, I have an 82% survival rate if I do nothing else. If I do chemo and radiation, it goes up to 89%. If I take a drug called tamoxifen, I go up to 92%. Pretty good right?

Except, hubby and I would like to have more children and all of these drugs (especially the tamoxifen) pretty much wreck my fertility. It’s devastating knowing that my choice and ability to have a child may be gone. I had already accepted that I would have to do chemo and radiation but the tamoxifen was dropped on me recently. The geneticist that I worked with told me that she had other patients who have gone on to have children after chemo and a nurse working with my surgeon told me she had more children after surgery. My geneticist suggested that I ask the oncologist what the issue would be if I started tamoxifen a few years later and all my oncologist said was: “It will be better if you start sooner.” I don’t know what to think. Is a 3% increase in survival critical when I’m already in the 90th percentile? Is it worth it just to have another child naturally?

I made the mistake of reading community forums (on breast cancer) related to this tamoxifen dilemma. While there were positive stories, so many more were just so negative. I’m pretty sure this is what’s keeping me up tonight. I tried to tell myself it was to watch the new season of “Orange is the New Black” but I know the truth. And after watching 5 episodes, I went and sat besides my daughter’s crib. I just cried as I watched her sleep. I don’t want her to be alone, with no siblings but at the same time, I don’t want her to not have her mother either. I’m also a little angry at myself because I am open to adoption and yet, I am having the hardest time dealing with the possibility that I may not be able to have another child naturally.

I guess it also doesn’t help that I haven’t been able to properly hold my daughter since I came home from surgery. It will be another week before I can even think about snuggling that baby of mine. It’s driving me crazy.

I will probably watch another episode of OITNB before attempting to try and fall asleep. My mind is just not ready to calm down.

 

 

Time is Flying By

Hi everyone!

It’s the Tuesday after Memorial Day weekend and our household is gearing up for my surgery next week. So many things to do before the big day. I’m so excited and so anxious at the same time. The house is a mess, I’ve got to make some freezer meals and I’ve still got to finish up some work projects for some of my clients. This is one of those times where I just have to sit back and take a deep breath. At least my surgeon has given me more Xanax. LOL!

Hubby surprised me yesterday with a date he’s planned for this Thursday. He wanted us to have a great time together before the surgery, because who knows when we’ll be able to do it again. I’m even wondering if I should get my hair and nails done for the date.

On a more or less serious note, I got the results back from my MRI guided biopsy and it turned out to just be milk. The radiologist who performed the biopsy was very kind and even told me after that she believed the weird spot was nothing. And she was right!

I also met my new plastic surgeon and I love her. While she was very matter of fact, she was also very nice and did not make me feel bad about having cancer. She gave me all my options and told me about outcomes from other surgeries she had done. Her attitude of “don’t worry unless you have to, and even then, why worry?” really put me at ease. I am the kind of person that likes to be prepared for all scenarios and for once I’ve had to live day to day. It’s driving me nuts. 🙂

I had considered having a “Goodbye Cancer, F*ck You” party this weekend, but I remembered my grandfather still does not know I have cancer. My family has intentionally kept it from him because we don’t want him to worry. Maybe we will all still get together but under a different circumstance. I will have to think about it…

And on a final “when it rains it pours” moment, our washing machine and dryer broke down this weekend. Luckily for us it is still under warranty. The repair man should be here tomorrow and I’m still debating if it’s better if he can fix it or if he could just deem it unrepairable so we can get a new one. Another hmmmmmmmm moment…

Talk to you all again soon!

The Almost Busy Day

Today started out bright and early with an 8 a.m. ultrasound. After that, I had to rush to get the little one’s pictures taken, pick up our fur baby’s prescription (he’s sick too) and then get mother’s day gifts. Well, only one of those things ended up happening. The ultrasound team was backed up because someone called in sick, so I finally left after waiting an hour. As of right now, we only have the one rental car and I had to get it home so hubby could go to work. Have to make sure the bread winner is taken care of right?

After that, I only made it to the picture studio.

But some good news came today. I spoke with the inspector assigned to my claim and she told me that she approved my vehicle to be fixed instead of totaling me out. Thank goodness! We really did not want a car note and because I’ve maintained my car so well, I could easily get another 10 years out of it. At this point I’m wondering who my adjuster will be assigning blame to. I still think the person that hit me was not paying attention or on his phone. I mean, how did he rear end me on the freeway when there was no else on the freeway but me?

Tomorrow I get to hang out with my auntie. Besides my husband and my mom, she has been my rock through this cancer crap. I feel so lucky that I have her in my corner. We started planning our family vacation next year. Our destination? Tibet! I’m excited because I’ve always wanted to see it. We found a tour that includes the train ride to Lhasa. I can’t wait to go.

I get one free day of appointments tomorrow, and then it’s back to the hospital Wednesday for the rescheduled ultrasound. I also get to meet my surgical team on Friday. I’m still waiting on the BRCA tests to come back. Once the results come back, I’ll know if I’m getting a lumpectomy or full mastectomy. Taking care of the little girl today kept my mind off the pending surgery. I also didn’t get any chores done, but whatever, they will still be there tomorrow.  I’m having a hard time getting enthusiastic about much these days. Granted, most people aren’t thrilled to do chores either, but I do miss having a clean house. Focusing on my baby, having a lunch date with my mom and planning this trip did wonders for me today. It’s so much easier to be positive and happy when you’ve got family on hand and around. They are what keeps me sane.