Reality Bites

It’s 2 a.m. and I’m wide awake.

I think I know why. Heck, I do know why. My mind is racing and I’m scared to go to sleep.

I met with my oncologist today to decide  on my next step for treatment. At this point, with such great results from surgery, I like to think that I am cancer free. Being told I should have chemo reminds me I may not be. My oncologist presented me with stats and with all my health history and diagnosis taken into consideration, I have an 82% survival rate if I do nothing else. If I do chemo and radiation, it goes up to 89%. If I take a drug called tamoxifen, I go up to 92%. Pretty good right?

Except, hubby and I would like to have more children and all of these drugs (especially the tamoxifen) pretty much wreck my fertility. It’s devastating knowing that my choice and ability to have a child may be gone. I had already accepted that I would have to do chemo and radiation but the tamoxifen was dropped on me recently. The geneticist that I worked with told me that she had other patients who have gone on to have children after chemo and a nurse working with my surgeon told me she had more children after surgery. My geneticist suggested that I ask the oncologist what the issue would be if I started tamoxifen a few years later and all my oncologist said was: “It will be better if you start sooner.” I don’t know what to think. Is a 3% increase in survival critical when I’m already in the 90th percentile? Is it worth it just to have another child naturally?

I made the mistake of reading community forums (on breast cancer) related to this tamoxifen dilemma. While there were positive stories, so many more were just so negative. I’m pretty sure this is what’s keeping me up tonight. I tried to tell myself it was to watch the new season of “Orange is the New Black” but I know the truth. And after watching 5 episodes, I went and sat besides my daughter’s crib. I just cried as I watched her sleep. I don’t want her to be alone, with no siblings but at the same time, I don’t want her to not have her mother either. I’m also a little angry at myself because I am open to adoption and yet, I am having the hardest time dealing with the possibility that I may not be able to have another child naturally.

I guess it also doesn’t help that I haven’t been able to properly hold my daughter since I came home from surgery. It will be another week before I can even think about snuggling that baby of mine. It’s driving me crazy.

I will probably watch another episode of OITNB before attempting to try and fall asleep. My mind is just not ready to calm down.